I'll be honest, I'm not sure what type of audience I am writing to.
Are you an avid US men's soccer fan? Haha trick question, there are only four of them in the world. Are you the enemy British, who injured the beloved Clint Dempsey in order to derail a World Cup group stage foe? Maybe you're a fellow US sports fan who is also beginning to appreciate the beauty and intricacy of soccer, and for you, I will happily explain how important Clint Dempsey is to the US men's soccer team.
Clint Dempsey needs to play the World Cup. He is an integral part of the offense, second only to Landon Donovan. His loss may force Donovan out of the middle and into Dempsey's position at right wing due to the lack of experienced replacements at winger. His finishing ability would be missed; he was the leading goal scorer in the Confederations Cup (Man of the match against Spain, America's 2nd greatest victory over socialism). He is the US's best goal scorer with Charlie Davies injured and Landon Donovan's increased emphasis on creation and not finishing.
Are you worried yet? The results of Dempsey's MRI should come out later today, but his manager has been saying it's his PCL, an ominous prediction. Seriously, this isn't good. I have bought every single horse placenta on Ebay and I will send most of them to Clint Dempsey. I hope it works.
The loss of Dempsey would create the previously mentioned hole in the midfield. Jozy Altidore, at forward, would be expected to alleviate the loss of Clint Dempsey. Jozy Altidore may become Didier Drogba one day but he currently is too young and raw. He probably will not respond well to the increased pressure, and Landon Donovan would also attempt to shoulder the burden. The worst possible scenario for US soccer is an injured Clint Dempsey, and a subsequent Landon Donovan choke job due to the fact he was trying too hard.
It's important that the US performs well in the upcoming World Cup. The rest of the world doesn't like us that much; they blame us for pollution, obesity, the recession, and Jersey Shore. We're trying to change our image though, we elected Barack Obama as President and created the iPhone (you're welcome).
The US tends to dominate most international sporting events yet we have never been able to make an impact in the world's most popular sport, soccer. This year's World Cup is a fantastic stage to show the world that the United States is changing. Of course this would require a strong showing from Team America, and that would require all the major actors, including a healthy Clint Dempsey.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Agent Zero May Actually be a Secret Agent
Gilbert Arenas, commonly known by his alias, "Agent Zero", caused an uproar recently when he pulled an unloaded gun out on a teammate.
While the general population and the NBA are upset over this latest development, I am enthused for Gilbert Arenas has just reaffirmed what I have been suspecting for the past ten years... Gilbert Arenas is an undercover secret agent.
You may scoff now, but I suggest that you look at the facts.
His nickname is Agent Zero: Sure, it's just a coincidence right? Nope, it's actually the loose thread that unravels Gilbert's secret identity. Wikipedia also tells me that a second nickname for Gilbert has been growing in popularity, "Hibachi". (Possible double agent for the Japanese? Have I gone too far down the rabbit hole?)
He keeps unloaded guns in the locker room: Guns do not belong in a NBA locker room. Gilbert is an exception because he's a secret agent, and he needs to carry a firearm with him wherever he goes. Sure the gun didn't have any bullets, but it was loaded with insults and bruised egos.
He wears expensive suits: All agents dress snazzy, everyone knows this.
He plays for the Washington Wizards: It's convenient that the NBA team he plays for is in our nation's capital. Very convenient. The Verizon Center is less than a mile away from The White House.
Agent Zero hasn't been injured for the past two seasons, he has been off resolving conflicts in Iran, North Korea, and Antarctica: You never heard about the penguin uprising in Antarctica? You can thank Agent Zero for that.
Now that you can see all the pieces laid out and organized, I hope you have concluded as well that he must be a secret agent. That or maybe he's a clown.
While the general population and the NBA are upset over this latest development, I am enthused for Gilbert Arenas has just reaffirmed what I have been suspecting for the past ten years... Gilbert Arenas is an undercover secret agent.
You may scoff now, but I suggest that you look at the facts.
His nickname is Agent Zero: Sure, it's just a coincidence right? Nope, it's actually the loose thread that unravels Gilbert's secret identity. Wikipedia also tells me that a second nickname for Gilbert has been growing in popularity, "Hibachi". (Possible double agent for the Japanese? Have I gone too far down the rabbit hole?)
He keeps unloaded guns in the locker room: Guns do not belong in a NBA locker room. Gilbert is an exception because he's a secret agent, and he needs to carry a firearm with him wherever he goes. Sure the gun didn't have any bullets, but it was loaded with insults and bruised egos.
He wears expensive suits: All agents dress snazzy, everyone knows this.
He plays for the Washington Wizards: It's convenient that the NBA team he plays for is in our nation's capital. Very convenient. The Verizon Center is less than a mile away from The White House.
Agent Zero hasn't been injured for the past two seasons, he has been off resolving conflicts in Iran, North Korea, and Antarctica: You never heard about the penguin uprising in Antarctica? You can thank Agent Zero for that.
Now that you can see all the pieces laid out and organized, I hope you have concluded as well that he must be a secret agent. That or maybe he's a clown.
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